September 20, 2009 by Monica2ofaKind
I am a single mother of 13yr old identical twin girls....They have started to take an interest in boys. One of my daughters has started to Group Date meaning that there is always a group of teens that go to places together. My other daughter is struggling with the issue of not having anyone that is interested in her and it breaks my heart to see her struggling so as a mom I have told her that there is someone out there for her however it may take a little longer for them to find eachother. (IT DID NOT HELP).... They are starting to have their own group of friends and that is not setting well with the daughter that is not dating she has only a few friends and my other daughter has a lot more (HER PERSONALITY IS MORE OUTGOING).... I am struggling through this pain due to my daughter that is not dating starting to have no self confidence she is lways comparing herself to her sister and how everyone else likes her more and they feel she prettier and she is thinner than I am etc. I have never compared them to one another and have raised them that they are individuals and that they are sisters and yes twins however I have always done my best to introduce them by name instead of the twins. My family has always called them the twins however my girls are very strong and always correct them and say yes we are and our names are Mariah and Mackenzie. I honestly am at a loss I need help I am thinking of a family counseling session however they are at the age that it may push her further away. PLEASE IF ANYONE HAS A BOOK OR ADVICE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP>>>>
I was also confronted by Mariah that Mackenzie has threatened to cut herself she is so depressed and no self esteem..Macenzie is the daughter not dating and no real friends....I love her however everything I do is pushing her further away I am now on silent treatment. I am actively looking for counseling however I have not had much progress....Please let me know if anyone knows of somewhere I can call.......
Hopefully some helpful advice.
Hi, I typically don't respond to give advice, but in your circumstance, I thought I might be able to help. I am a practiciing child and family therapist who also happens to have twin daughters. First, I want to assure you (although it isn't very comforting), these self-esteem issues your daughter is going through is an extremely normal part of teenage angst... in fact, the vast majority of girls experience this at some level. Although it is extremely painful to watch your daughter go through this, it seems you are already doing many of the right things -- treating her like an individual, focusing on her strengths, etc. However, now that she is a teenager, one of the new developmental milestones you are both experiencing is her individuation... becoming her own person. As parents, while we maybe well-intended, we just don't know anything anymore (sigh).. and we "HAVE" to say nice things and try to make it all better. Which means you can talk until you are blue in the face, but until your daughter believes what you are saying for herself it'll fall on deaf ears... the only way for her to start believing in what you are saying is for her to PROVE it to herself. Therefore, continue to encourage her to participate in the things she does well and then celebrate those successes... maybe even find out if there are girls' groups focusing on self-esteem in your area or even at her school where she can get the additional support and also see that she is not alone in her feelings.
More concerning to me is the depression and thoughts of cutting your daughter is expressing. I would not ignore this -- I would have her assessed for mental health services as soon as possible. She is talking about this because she DOES want help... do not ignore her. Your job is to keep your daughter safe... both emotionally and physically. Both depression and cutting are behaviors best addressed by a trained professional. To find an agency, contact your insurance company and ask for child mental health clinics in your area. Or do a google search and then cold-call, asking what services they provide.
As for different resources that you can tap into to learn more about self-esteem, relational aggression, and other girls' issues, I highly recommend anything by Rachel Simmons (rachelsimmons.com, girlsleadership.org), Rosalind Wiseman (rosalindwiseman.com), girlpower.gov, or anything else you can find when googling any of those terms.
Hope this helps... and best of luck to you and your family.